It’s been three months since the last time we met. Still, I
can clearly remember how it went and how my feeling was, since you left me
behind without any goodbyes or even apologizes. It hurt. And hurt me more when
I found myself worked harder to refrained from everything that related to him,
but I throughly can’t. I’m giving up on this situation.
Sometimes I need to punch my face till I wake up and realize
that overthink is just wasting time. Sometimes I need someone to open my eyes
up so I can see that there are many people out of there who stayed and never
left. Sometimes I need a new fresh air to breathe, a place to hide, to escape
from any memories that may reminds me of him. Sometimes I need something to
release what I feel now.
I have made myself busier than ever. I made plans for
future, I joined to some events, I marked the date to hang-out with friends, I
forced myself work harder at office, I met a lot of people. All of them worked
smoothly and well, but I found an irk thing were tucked in the sidelines of my
activities. Just like this night, I hate being so weak and melancholy. I hate
when I’m about to sleep and suddenly feel missing someone. I earnestly dislike
this situation. This one killed me slowly.
I don’t know why should him, but all I know is when he came,
he brought me into a new change.
It’s been four years since the last time I fell in love, and
after that, I secluded myself from something that could hurt me more just to
make myself secure because I had my own trauma. I was so afraid until God sent
me him and He gave us a chance to know each other. I was blessed, even we
couldn’t make it last into a special relationship. I was glad, until I realize
that God sent him to ‘test’ me, to bring me around that life must go on. I was
happy until I learnt one thing: People come and go. Somebody may come to you,
but they will leave by their own way. And when they leave, another one will
come. So how life goes until the moment finally arrived, he left me.
It hurt to remember again the way he went. He left no one
but unworked plans and incomplete promises, and he chose to live with another
girl. I felt trifled and I hate this part. Until now, I don’t know who should
be blamed; me--who has easily let myself for fall too deep until I lose myself
or him--who told and promised me lies.
“Just let it go” will be the easiest thing to say, but
actually hard to do. Until now, I can’t exactly choose what things I should do,
whether is forgive everything or keep myself away from him. Well, you may say
that forgive would be the best choice, but do you know that it’s also the most
hard thing to do? Forgive isn’t as easy as you say it. Why? It needs sincerity,
so does wound needs time to healed. I certainly will forgive, but not now. The
sore is still ails me. Much.
At this time, I just hope that this feeling won’t distract
my activities. I do also believe that in the future, I will find myself looking
back to this situation with a sweetest smile because I have successfully
through it. I will find myself happy with another guy and this situation will
be a bedtime story for my future children or even grandchild. I do believe it.
It’s 3:10am now. I have to take a rest from all the
exhausting activities. Oh, before I go to bed, let me tell you that right now,
I miss you. A lot. I really miss you talking to me. Is missing you a sin? I
wish it’s not and if it is, I don’t care.
Good night and see you in the few years later when I find
myself happy with another guy.
